Back for a while...

I was reprimanded a bit last Tuesday. The details are, ultimately, unimportant here. It wasn't punishment. It was reminding me of how I should and shouldn't behave.

I was laying on my back on the bed. He was on his side laying next to me. He would lean over my face, grabbing me by the jaw every once in a while to make sure I was looking directly at him. I couldn't help but lower my head, tucking it under his chin. He would take my chin and pull my face back up when I did. After two or three times, I found myself awash with a very familiar feeling. Dizzy. Joyful. Smiling. Completely malleable.

"*static* Ladies and gentlemen, we are now entering subspace."

I couldn't help but grin up at him. Not realizing what was doing it, he would grab my chin again and again trying to get me to focus. Nuh-uh. Down the rabbit hole I go. *hop*

It didn't take long for him to figure out that I was slipping into subspace. He pulled back, laid down and laughed.

"It's so hard to reprimand you when you're smiling at me," he said jokingly.

I purred and slinked up close to him. I just wanted to be close. I wanted his hands on me. I wanted his control wrapped around me, telling me to do anything he wants. I wanted to be a toy.

"That doesn't take away from the seriousness of your message, Master," I said slowly, almost in a trance, "I understand exactly what I did wrong."

He patted his shoulder, signaling me to come closer and put my head there. I curled under his arm on the bed for a minute before putting my head up near his face. That was the first time I had ever gone into subspace without any pain. I have felt it slip in a little, but not full blown like it was then. All it took was holding my chin, something I can't recall him ever doing before. If he wants me to look at him, he usually will grab me by the back of my hair and direct my face toward his. But grabbing me by the chin did something I hadn't felt previously. It happened so quickly. I was his.

Just submit...

I edited this post out. I really don't feel comfortable with all this out here. I have a livejournal account. If you have one and want in, just email me at sublissful@gmail.com and tell me who you are. I always welcome new friends there.

xox

Twisted Limbs and Gentle Kisses

Today was amazing. I'm not even sure where to begin. I'm not sure what to even say. Master was in a great mood. I was in a great mood. He sessioned me hard, drawing me in and hypnotizing me with his words. Beating my behind with a wooden paddle. Flogging me hard. Possibly harder than he ever has. I was bent over the couch at one point, smiling. I had this huge grin that I couldn't wipe off my face. I imagine sometimes that it feels like it does for monks who still practice self flagellation. Where is hurts and hurts and hurts, then suddenly becomes totally meditative. The thudding and stinging are very far away, and all that is left is complete peace. Nothing but noise and waves. Each time the flogger comes down, it's like a deep earthquake that goes through me. Not in a bad way. Just waves of movement. He took the xacto knife to my skin, slowly cutting me. It makes me nervous, so I have to be in a deep head space to do it. I have to be intently focused, because I can't move a muscle. That's one of my favorite parts of this, the relaxation techniques I've learned. Where I can literally make my whole body relax, muscle by muscle. I can do it alone, but not the way I can with his voice guiding me. Hypnotized. He binds my tits until they are purple and swollen. He slaps me over and over until I feel I can't take it again. He pushes me and pushes me. And I crawl back for more. He holds my hair, pulling my head back roughly, and tells me that he's never dealt with someone so dark as me. I have to answer clearly now, so there is little head nodding. I've never said yes so many times in my life.

I can't describe the emotional aspect of this. It feels mythical, even to me. It's a place where my mind stops reeling and everything is quiet except his voice molding my thoughts. I am who he wants me to be, and I walk out of it feeling a bit different each time. He breaks me down to nothing but a slave every time. And the effect lasts longer and longer each time. There is little difference now between my daily life and who I am to him. I walk in, and I am cordial and helpful and listening. But I am also relaxed and normal. It's not stiff service. My mind isn't worried about what to do, because he tells me exactly. I am at ease and trusting under him. I have never been so trusting. An open book. I have no fear. My mind has no inhibition. I am his, so there is nothing I can hide. There is no reason to hide. I pour myself out.

I have no idea how I have spent 30 years on this planet without love like this. So deeply and intense that I melt with him. Even he has said it. He has felt glimpses of love and intensity like this, but never for this long. Everyone knows that first taste. That month where everything is perfect and life is wonderful. Perfectly in love. But once you roll around to a year, a year and a half, two years, that bliss is gone and you are left with the pure essence of the relationship. This is where I sit now. Brave and strong in my service, undoubtedly a slave, every order met with no hesitation, but also loving with such intensity that it knocks me back with so much force that I can barely breathe. He told me that he feels I am like a gift to him. I feel that way, too.

After sessioning and fucking and all that intense revelation, we laid in bed. I am NOT a snuggler, but it never fails that we end up completely wrapped in each other dozing in and out. We whisper about how much we adore each other mingled with the usual aftercare talk. Nothing throws me for a loop anymore, so aftercare is ordinarily comprised of "How's your ass feeling?" *laugh* He flips me over and looks at my marks for a moment. Then we go back to twisted limbs and gentle kisses. "I do love you, my little bunny." "i love You, Master." He tenderly brushes my hair from my face and kisses my forehead before he falls asleep. I spend a long time just looking at him lovingly. I am so lucky.

There was a whole other half of the day that I'm leaving out, but I think I want to save that part for me. *evil grin*

Tuesdays with Master

Tonight blew my mind in so many ways. It wasn't intense physically. You'd be bored to tears it I gave you a step by step account of the action. But he worked my mind hard. HARD. He had me in a collar and my wrist cuffs chained to the collar and a thick bondage belt (that sucker is no less than 6 inches wide). "you look so hot right now. you know why? you really look like an owned cunt." I was tied to the rack and he just flogged me. But he held me roughly, hands gripping my hair tight, and talked to me for 45 minutes. By the time he untied me, I was starry eyed. Yes, please. More.

We laid in bed afterward, and I was all frisky. Crawling all over him. Licking and kissing and purring. We didn't even fuck. I've mentioned that he barely ever really kisses me. It bothered me at a point in our relationship, but now I am happy for it. Every kiss is like a rare gift that I am given. It drives me into a frenzy. So I'm doing my job *grin*, and he suddenly grabs me on both sides of my face and pulls me up to kiss me passionately. I nearly died of happiness and lust. He slid his hand down into my cunt and we are just a mass of quivering flesh moving together. I edge in and out of cumming, but not too close. I was so focused on kissing and the enjoyment of it all. And I'm humping his hand and his leg like a bitch in heat. Our hearts are beating hard. Breath quick. It was intense beyond intense. But still no cumming. Not even really close. Then he puts his hand against my back and says something he's actually never said to me. "Cum for me." In the past, he lets me know beforehand that he wants me to cum. That he wants to watch me. He will say it before we even really fool around. But tonight.... He says it very clearly right in my ear, "Cum for me," and I cum in less than 10 seconds. It wasn't from my cunt to my brain. It went the other way. I can't even describe it. So intense. It's just odd, because he's never tried it. My body just listened.

It always freaks me out a little when my body reacts without my control. It's thrilling, but it's also frightening in some ways. Whoa! My body is out of my control. He can do exactly what he wants with me. He can direct my emotions. He can direct my thoughts. He snaps his fingers, and it reverberates through my stomach and I jump toward him. And it keeps going deeper...

Anticipation

My cunt is anxious for him again. Waiting. In less than 24 hours, he'll have me in his hands. Back in that place where he can turn me and twist me and have me do anything he wishes.

We has lunch together this afternoon. We were so casual. Sitting and eating while we laughed and made light talk. We ordinarily get into some kind of half hushed, intense conversation when we have lunch. This was really the first time we were just... ordinary. It wasn't bad. On the contrary, it felt as if we were established. That we are comfortable enough in our relationship to be regular for once. There's so much intensity between us that we live in that space with each other all the time. There were still lusty whispers across the table. Jokes about being bound. "Well, even if i didn't want it, i wouldn't have a choice, now, would i?" "*laugh* Not at all. And I happen to like it that way." But it's taken me well over a year to grow out of that nervousness about him.

I still have nervousness every single time when I go to be sessioned. There's still a fear there. I don't ever want that to go away. I should remain a little nervous about it. Every time we meet at the hotel, my heart beats a little faster all day and I almost chicken out. It's so funny. I want it SO badly. I ache for it all the time. But I get that little tickle of fear as I walk up to the door. He feels it's his responsibility to keep that feeling alive in this. He wants me happy, secure, safe and totally open, but he never wants me to forget that he has the control and he will make me feel pain. I've said it many times before, but there is also a lot that I don't put in writing that we do. Not only am I not allowed to, I don't want to. Those parts are the things that keep me especially suspended in fear as much as they do excitement.

We had that discussion of how strong our relationship late in the afternoon. "Well, yes, having a hot young thing across from me is very nice indeed -- but what we have and what I really find so enjoyable about you and with you runs so much deeper than that." *giggle* He knows how to make me all blushy. I feel the same way about him. He is so sexy and amazing. I'm so proud to be seen with him. But what I feel toward him has nothing to do with that. We have something very real under all the lust and attraction. We work together. We both want the same thing. We want this relationship to be honest. Neither of us want to play at this. He wants my submission as much as I want his control. It's beautifully balanced. While I'm not a doormat, I can't resist him. I don't have it in me. It's not who I am, and not how we are. Anything he wants. We have an agreement that was put in place right from the beginning. He will not cross certain things in my life. My job is one example. I come to him for advice, but that's one thing he won't give me orders on. It's gotten to that point where he could cross those boundaries. It would feel like ripping the flesh off my heart to deny him something. I'm very lucky that he is a man of his word.

Eventful

Yesterday was one hell of a day.

I woke up, sat down at my computer and rubbed my eye. Next thing you know, my finger slipped and went right into my other eye. My nail going right in the eyelid. I scratched my cornea. I wasn't up 10 minutes. I was crying all over the place. My eye was in severe pain. I actually took the day off of work and laid in bed with the pillow over my head the entire day. Light was extremely painful. It just sucked. There's no other word for it. SUCKED.

By 4:30 I was feeling a bit better. So Master and I decided to meet for a session. I drove there, which was a stupid move in retrospect. The sunlight was a little intense. For some reason, it felt like a really long time since we last had met. Both of us were positively anxious to be together. Before a few words left our mouths, we were just naked enough and climbing all over each other. *grin* On the bed, on the bathroom sink. Everywhere.

He cuffs and collars me. He's got these really cool leather straps with D rings that hang over a door which he tied me to. He's got a rotation of so many toys. I haven't seen those things in a year. He sessions me harder than I think he ever has. I mean, I was half bent over whimpering and wincing over and over again. "you're my cunt, aren't you? That's all you are. MY little fucking cunt. Tell me what you are. TELL ME." "i'm Your cunt. i'm Your cunt, Master." More and more intense. My body was on fire. I felt like I was made entirely from electricity. That he could put his hands right through me. My need to serve in any way was amplified. Turned up to the highest notch. I had no identity. I was His slave. His cunt. His. I can tell stories with detail piled upon detail, but I won't REALLY say what is said. It's all what is said. He shuts off the noise, and I become his property inside. He hypnotizes me until almost all traces of me-ness are gone. Yes, I still do the things I do in my own way, but he pulls out what he wants from me. Exactly how he wants it. I am whatever he desires. After, he turns me around and clips me to the door facing outward. He runs the blade over my skin. He waxes my tits down and then starts smacking me all over my body. Then he grabs me, lifting my legs up off the ground so I'm hanging from the door and fucks me. *melts into a slave puddle*

He takes me down, and guides me to the bed. I kneel on the floor in front of him. I'm still blindfolded. He has me by the back of the hair and is talking to me, slow and deep. I am humbled at this point. I have no vanity. I have nothing. My head is down, and my composure doesn't matter. I'm not pulled together. He doesn't want me that way. He wants all the raw parts. He wants me pliable. He guides my head to his cock, and I take it like it's the only thing in the world. It IS the only thing in the world. It's what he wants me to do, and it is the only thing I know. Then he suddenly stands up and fucks my face like it was my cunt. I'm gagging and my face is wet from drool and cum. I'm a fucking mess. I try to back off a little (I didn't want to throw up or anything), and he yells and pulls my head in closer. Not only was I a mess, I'm turned on beyond comprehension. He pulls away and pushes my body over the bed and fucks me again. It was exquisite. Really. Fantastic.

After we are done, he lays down on the bed and snaps his finger (Master sign language for it's alright. you can get up off the floor and lay with me). We curl into this unbelievably tight little ball of flesh and coo at each other for a long time. "i love You, Master." "I love you, too, my little slave." "you make me happier than any slave ever has." "You make me glow." "you're SO cute when you're like this. My little bunny." "No one sees this side of me but You." Yes, all very shmoopy.

We had a wonderful night after we left. We had dinner together and cuddled in the booth. I talked about how happy I was that he is in my life. He talked about how proud he was of me for my recent promotion at work. We laughed. We kissed. It was so loving and tender. We drove back giggling and talking. And I've been floating on air ever since. Mmmm.

Insecurities

"i'm so happy to be seen with someone as hot as You."
"you're the hot one."
"i don't think so! Look at You! You're fucking hot."
"*laugh* Thank you, little one."

I was drifting. All of the bleeding. All of the new emotions. Craziness. Sometimes I drift. I feel far away from him. So far, far away. After struggling, flailing, whining and freaking out, I finally just sat down and talked to him. "i feel like i'm way out there and cold and lonely, and i'm wondering how i got here. With no idea how to get back." And I cried. I wept like a child who was exasperated and lost. Puffy eyed. Crying is so weird. Your whole face just leaks. "Stop trying to figure out how, and just let me pull you back." I relaxed. Maybe it's knowing I'm truly wanted. He wants to pull me back. He wants me close to him. And he did just that. He held me close. He whispered in my ear until I was half afraid and half purring and turned on. There is no getting away. He will keep me as close as he wants me. And that makes me happy. I can just relax and follow. When I get tense and try to push and pull things, he steps back and lets me work it out of my system.

We just sat and had dinner on Friday. We didn't go to the hotel. We were able to just sit and converse. He talked me through some of my worries in this. He did a lot of reassuring. I am not too insecure most of the time. It just hits me all at once every couple of months. I know he enjoys me. But I need to know sometimes that he really WANTS me. And, as long as it isn't all the time, he always takes the time out to reassure me. So many of the subs/slaves he's dealt with need it all the time. I feel guilty as hell when it happens. I am SO much calmer afterward, though. So it's worth it in that respect.

Tomorrow night will be good. A night alone. The rack. So many new elements to work into my head. It will be positively lovely and exciting. *bunnypurr*

Playing Hooky

I haven't been feeling great. I'm not completely sick, but I'm not well, either. I do feel better after a little dinner. Who doesn't feel a little better after breakfast for dinner? Anyway, I decided to play hooky from work in the latter part of the day. I played up the whole sick card, and I was out of work by 3. I decided to do that at 7am this morning. After my initial idea, I ran to the computer to write Master. "i'm going to leave work early. Do you think You'll have any spare time in the afternoon to meet?" It turns out that he did. Three o'clock was perfect. "Meet me at the condo at 3:15, little one." *SQUEAK*

I got to his place right as he was getting in the shower. Once out of the shower, he grabbed my hair roughly and it all began. "Get your clothes off. Now." We laid in bed and he talked to me for a bit while laying on my back. Then he got off without saying a word (no words = do NOT move a muscle). So I laid on the bed, face down, while he went through his closet. I knew what was coming. The toys weren't readily available. He was getting out the belt. He has always disliked using the belt, because it's too much like punishment in his mind. But he loves the sounds of my whimpering. "I love that sound you make. you have the best whimper I've ever heard." The belt makes me whimper. Not even the cane does that. Snap. Snap. Snap. It comes down on my backside hard. I wiggle and fight the urge to climb right off the bed. I stay in place, lifting my backside. It's the only thing I can do. If I'm going to be belted, I may as well give him as much room to hit so he doesn't get the same place over and over again. Once he finished, he laid next to me, grabbed the back of my hair and spanked me over and over. Hard. Ouch. Right on top of the welts from the belt. He leans into my head and whispers into my ear, "you love that, don't you?" I'm in that place where I can't talk. I just shake my head yes. Yes, I love it. With that, he flips me over and fucks me.

He hasn't been able to for nearly two week due to my bleeding. We've been aching for each other. I am so wet that I fear for a minute I am bleeding again. We don't break eye contact. More and more intense. Mouths slightly open. Melting. Then he suddenly winds back and smacks me across the face. HARD. Over and over. Then my tits. He loves feeling the tensing in my body from it. We collapse into a heap of sweat and sex after more of this. He lays back on the pillows and allows me to lay my head on his stomach. We gaze for a long time at each other. We break the silence with talk of the odd dynamics of D/s relationships. How I may question if he loves me after that if he were my boyfriend. Since this is what it is, we both feel more emotions and love because of it. That I wouldn't be able to take (or even feel) this on such a deep level if it weren't for the love, and he wouldn't be able to do it to me without the love and deep emotional connection. Not that it's universally true; it's the truth for us. We grow into these impossible depths with all the elements. He tells me that he knows how much power he has over me, and that he promises not to abuse that. That he won't make me "jump through hoops and do silly tricks" because he can. He will only make me do what he truly wants. He pets me, and he laughs at my bunny nose (I crinkle it when I'm at a loss for words), reaching out his finger and touching the tip. He holds me close. He tells me he loves me. Then I get dressed and go home. It was wonderful.

"I want your mind, little one. I want all of it. And I WILL get it." *bunnypurr*

Delving

I'm in the mood to be gushy about Master again. Years ago, when he was part of the Chicago scene, he used to be very well known. He could take on subs that had been abused or defiant and turn them into joyful and totally willing slaves. There were other Masters who would give slaves over for a time to train them in certain ways. For instance, one slave was terrified of the crop. He worked with her for a few weeks, and she lost her fear. He's so amazing when it comes to the mental aspect of control. He has taken me slower than anyone he's worked with previously. He wanted to do this right with me from the beginning. He knew that I wasn't looking to be a slave, so he stepped very slowly. It's why he owns me so completely. We sometimes jump into new levels, but he then stays in that space for a long time building foundations under it. Shit, he doesn't only build a foundation; he builds walls, carpeting, bookcases and a nice roof over it before we move ahead.

We have recently taken a leap. We've opened other parts of my psyche that are so far removed from the current incarnation of me that we both often refer to that side in third person. It's not disassociating that part from me, but to make it clear what side of me we are speaking of. We are back to square one with her. He can lull me into her completely. Just as he can get me so far that I forget I am anything but a slave, he can pull me completely into aspects of myself where I forget I am anything else. So he's working in these very deep and intimate parts of my mind. He's working out all the wrinkles. All those damaged parts. He's not changing anything to heal me, but he's being steady, supportive and reinforcing the positivity of those aspects of me. By doing this, he is also claiming ownership over those parts, too. He takes me there and sessions me. But it's much like our early sessions. Mental and sexual, but not intensely physical or too dark. The result is fascinating. He's working me at two paces and in two different ways.

The depth of this is... mind blowing. It's beyond the point where I was happy and willing to do what he wants. He used to work my mind into things. Instilling in me that what he wants is truly what I want. He does that still, but now it's different. I know no defiance toward him. I won't say no. I don't even think no. I don't think yes, either. I do. Nothing has ever made me happier.

Kinship

We spent the afternoon together today. We went to eat and back to his condo for some sessioning. He tied me up and talked to me, head tilted back by his hand, facing his voice while blindfolded. He talked and talked until I was fully relaxed. The more my mind is twisted up from everyday life, the harder it is for me to get in that space. He calmed me. He reminded me of exactly what I am. Purring, purring, purring. Where I would crawl toward his voice if I weren't tied. There were intense parts that left me panting (literally) so hard that I thought I was going to hyperventilate. He laid over me in bed while he talked afterward.

"you are my pet. Even when I'm ticked at you, like I was the other week, never forget that I love you. I will never withhold my love from you. It's all these darknesses that bind us together. We want the same things. The deeper we get, the more intense this will get. Our darknesses are the same. I listen to you, and you want this as deeply as I do. you are different. In all the years I've been doing this, it feels like everything I do with you is new. I have owned a lot of slaves, but none as deeply as you. Not even susan after 10 years. If you drift, it is my fault. you are a good girl. you aren't a brat. you listen. you are a very good little girl. you are meant to be mine. This is on me to keep you here, and I want you for a long, long time. I want you here with me. I love you, little pet. Master loves you very much," he said with a content smile.

I purred the happiest bunny purr that I ever have (yes! I found out that bunnies purr when they are happy!). I am totally fulfilled in this. Never have I thought my feelings could be this deep. I feel like I'm going to rip open with joy.


Totally off topic...

I lost 15 pounds. Woo! I must be doing something right.

Vintage

I love vintage bondage porn. Well, hell, I love vintage anything. But I REALLY love vintage porn. So I wanted to share one of my very favorite photos that I have found so far. Something about the sternness of the man standing with the birch and the lust of the man holding her. I'm not getting the "fear" vibe from her at all, but there is something extremely submissive and timid about her. Not to mention that I love the roundness of her body. It's just... exciting and beautiful.

Uncovering the Demons

I've never been so completely exposed emotionally in my life. So raw. Like taking a knife and carving open scars until you are left with a gaping hole that shows all your blood and veins inside. Perhaps it's more like removing your skin and trusting someone to keep all the beating, living parts in the right places. The pieces I've held inside, spilling over. I am safe, but I am scared. I am not alone, though. He walks through my dark caverns using me as the flashlight. He is every part of me as we navigate.

We are both secretive people. I know I write a lot here, but not the reality inside me. Not the dark parts. Not the real parts. The parts that hide. We hold layers around us. Layers and layers of protection. When we think we have exposed ourselves completely, we find another layer that is just too painful to remove. And the one below that is like ripping off skin. So here I am, my skin ripped from me both willingly and unwillingly, and it all starts seeping out. Slowly at first, but it starts to leaks faster until it's gushing. My mouth keeps moving. My lips telling things I am barely aware they are saying. It's like being in a trance. Feeling everything again. Everything. My throat can't repress the retelling of my past, like some distant, twisted fairytale.

In the aftermath, my words come easier. There are less barriers. I almost can't hold them in. My reactions are no longer a secret to me. I feel them, and they click into place all the way through my past until I arrive at the source. And he knows me more deeply. I am less of a mystery to both myself and him. He owns me in the now, and he's working backward to own me entirely. I crave him there. All parts of me crave him. Every stage devoted in a different way. I know the dark parts of him more and more. We have no fear of being turned away. Slowly guided deeper and deeper, more entwined.

And this is still only the beginning.

PS~ More words that make me giddy: I own you, and I intend on owning you for MANY MANY years to come. you are so perfect for me in so many ways. *swooning a big and delicious swoon*

*mew*

I feel weak. I fell asleep early last night. I am emotional. There is a Pandora's box sitting in the corner. The lid has been lifted, and unexpected demons are scuttering across the floor. Some are friendly. Some are nice surprises. Oh, that's how I felt then. Some are darker. Fear. Misplaced excitement. Genuine fright and panic. Not just from the past, but in the present as well. It's one thing to play in spaces that you have never experienced. It's quite another to play in the same places you've suffered. For instance, rape play can be intense. But there is something kind of exciting and even fun if it's never happened to you. If you've gotten raped before, then it evokes a strong response at times. It will be exciting and fun, then your body remembers things that happened. Your mental eye opens and sees the genuine fear. Your heart beats harder. Your body tenses. You don't even have to struggle to feel it. That's, roughly, where I am now. The difference between the two is that I wasn't a victim. I wasn't the assaulter, either. I was victimized by societal standards. Forced to shut down sides of myself that I was comfortable with, even liked, out of fear. I'm facing it. Not just mentally, but physically as well. In a way more real than I can elaborate on. In a way that won't end in hurt. I am just being faced with feelings and emotions that I've buried for years and years. He is my villain. He is my knight. I've never felt closeness like this. Everyone has those little parts inside of them that they hide from the world. The parts they would be ashamed to tell anyone. The fiercely guarded secrets. Walls beyond walls.

This is a mutual unearthing.

A Very Long Day

I had a very long day from Thursday night until Friday night. Painfully long. I got in a bit of trouble. Not real trouble, but I really irked Master. It began with some whining about something I was mortified to do. I really wasn't whining. I was just going on and on because of nervousness. He warned me, and I changed direction. I was still talking about it, though. It ended on a sour note, but it was over. Thinking about the situation later that night, I realized that it was something he had said earlier that made me nervous, even a bit distrustful, that caused me to start acting out a bit. I wrote late that night, apologizing again, and explaining that something he had said made me wary. The trouble really started the next morning. I was in trouble for not addressing the issue directly when it happened, thus catapulting me into some crazy behavior that is SO not like me. I spent the day basically groveling. I felt so bad. I was crying at my desk on and off all day. I was CRUSHED. i cannot explain to you the level of sadness in me. He sent a few small letters and revoked the "MY" in my pet names. I was in complete upheaval over it. He did understand that I wasn't doing it with intent. I didn't even cross the line of "trouble" once. I didn't get too close, either. I was just entering that territory. The Red Zone. He swatted me back so quickly that I was spinning.

In the end, it was all fine and well. He reassured me over and over that my place here wasn't even in danger. He will never let me go, as I bring him "immense pleasure." I know I have one choice that I can make in this relationship: the choice to leave. That is my only option. Accept or leave. I had decided, by my own volition, that that is not a choice I want. We talked over dinner one night, and I told him just that. "If i am to leave, it will be Your choosing. i will talk it over with You. You always take the time to listen to me. If I want to leave, then You are going to have to be the one to let me go. It will be Your choice. If You feel my complaints are reparable, then i will stay and trust You to choose the direction we take to work them out."

One thing I learned from all of this is that I NEVER want to get in trouble with him. Real trouble. I know he can turn me into a mess by just getting close to trouble. He even said to me last night that he has known for a long, long time that I would not do well being punished by him. He doesn't want to do it to me, but he will if he has to. He does not do physical punishment. In fact, the harshest punishment he's given someone was while he was fucking her. His kink is mind control, and the power of getting fucked while being mentally punished is something I am sure I could not take. Because of where he has me in my mind, he also knows that it would take a lot of repair time to get me back to functioning. I am completely bendable to his whims. I have no resistance. I will voice when I am scared, but I never try to get out of anything. So deliberately trying to make me feel bad for something would trample me to the ground. I couldn't do it.

The other thing I learned is that he WILL have his way with me. Even if I'm scared. Even if he knows I'm scared. He will do exactly as he pleases. I never doubted this, but it was a strong reminder. I'm extremely open. Very little bothers me. I will do things that some other people would find unimaginable. I want the things he wants, even when it scares me. The same is true in this instance.

Now to settle back into my happy place.

Also, words that make me gleeful: I wake up sometimes and have to pinch myself to prove it is real. I am so lucky to own you.

Dissolving

We had all these things planned. We were to session hard at his place, go to lunch, go have some fun at the adult theater and then go to the movies. I woke up this morning and got ready. I looked good. Lacy bra that my tits were falling out of, lacy garter belt and long stockings. Makeup perfect. I was feeling good. A sight to behold, actually. I was confident. Everything was in place. Then, 15 minutes before Master was to be at the door, I get my period. I was so upset that I cried. I took the day off. I've been stressed. I really NEEDED today. He arrives, and I tell him my predicament. He actually stopped in his tracks and roared laughing. The last two times we've gone to have a day like this, I've gotten my period within 30 minutes of his arrival. It was hilariously coincidental. We talked for a minute in the car in my driveway, and he comforted me. "I don't ever plan on letting you go, little one. We will do this again. Don't worry. you're still my little kitty, bleeding or not." We took off to go run some errands, and halfway down the block he pulled over and went rummaging through his trunk. He pulled out the "bad kitty" collar and fastened it around my neck. I wore it for the rest of the day. It made me feel a lot better, actually. Ah, the power of a collar.

We ended up having a nice day, actually. We had lunch and did end up going to the theater so he could pull me in a booth and slap me around until I was glowing again, reminding me that he can do this to me any time he pleases. That he may love me, he may care very deeply for me, but that will not ever prevent him from using me however he wants at any moment. I sat on his lap, and he talked gently to me. He told me that I am his little girl. He will always care for me and protect me. He's taken to the phrase "little girl" quite a lot lately. It melts me, and puts me in place very quickly. I will always be that to him. It's a subtle reminder of who we are to each other. There were some private times between us. I actually felt something that I rarely feel when I'm with him: fear. But I just looked up at him and the fear fell away. I am safe here. He always keeps me from harm. Then we went to see Spiderwick Chronicles, which was fantastic. It was even more fantastic that we had the theater to ourselves, and he let me masturbate until I came hard with his arm around me and his other hand over mine as I dissolved into bliss, legs up on the seats in front of us.

We had dinner together afterward. The talk was slow and casual. We laughed together. We continued opening up in different ways. It was a slow caressing of words across the table that left me excited again. We marveled over the fact that it had been 8 hours and felt like 2. It was a mutual enjoyment in the company of each other. We discussed a time in the near-ish future in which I will be spending a few days at his house. And an upcoming trip to Springfield we will take together. He needs to complete a few classes for his yearly certification there, so I will go with. My days will be spent poolside, and my nights saturated in the lust and sweat of our connection spread over the crisp hotel sheets. *purr*

We talked about our unusual attraction for each other. How it shouldn't work (from the outside) between a 54 year old man and a 28 year old girl. It does, though. The parts that would work against us in a vanilla pairing work for us in this dynamic. We were talking about the basic primal draw we have toward each other, and how the dominant/submissive aspects plunge it into a deeper attraction. There is a very fundamental physical chemistry between us. We could survive on that alone. We have both thought about how this would be if we were more vanilla. But we would lose something so essential in our relationship. We have more to gain in this dynamic, as it's such a large part of both of us. If we didn't have the D/s aspect, we'd have these huge caverns of needs that would be abandoned. We do a lot in the vanilla realm. We see movies and talk on the phone like a normal vanilla couple. We laugh and joke. But the M/s structure is underneath it all, holding it afloat. We aren't missing anything here. Yes, we never have tender sex. But that is a very small price to pay for having all your needs met. We will do that one day, too, I'm sure. But the timing needs to be right. Things are just as they should be.

Time for bed for this little slave.

Wash, Rinse, Repeat

I'm totally beating myself up. Must be the masochist in me. I'm happy, but my creativity and expression is at a total standstill.

Sometimes I repeat myself.
Sometimes I repeat myself.
Sometimes I repeat myself.
Sometimes I repeat myself.

Get the picture?

It's sent my mind tumbling into some bad places. I'm losing the things that make me interesting. My letters to Master have gotten increasingly shorter. I'm under a lot of stress. I need to blank out. I need to not think right now. So the systems are slowly shutting down. I've considered giving up on journaling for a while. I need to pick up my camera again. I feel like I'm on autopilot. Maybe I'm depressed a little. I don't really feel sad. I would like an emotional release. I am going to be with Master all day tomorrow. I feel fragile. Not too fragile, but enough to notice it. I secretly hope that I get pushed to open up and let some of this go. There are several reasons for this. The most important is that he can't have control over me if I withhold things from him. The most painful things inside me are the hardest things to give over. The other reason is because it feels good to me. Giving it over, the good and the bad, feels good. I relax. I am freed from everything else. I can concentrate on what is important.

I never wanted to be a slave. I went into this looking to be a very casual sub. I wanted to play. Nothing beyond that. I was rather turned off by the idea of being a slave. I wasn't looking for a Master. But I met E, and he was so enigmatic and appealing to me on basic levels of my psyche that I couldn't help but be drawn to him. We discussed terms and the meaning of being owned (a discussion that is still going on today). I saw a glimpse of what it meant to be a slave. I had to reconcile my feelings on what it meant to submit. I'm not a surface person. I can't play "submission" and not mean it. I will completely give it my whole when I decide to do it. It took me 5 months to really make that decision. I didn't want to be a slave. But I became one. Slowly. He cultivated it in me. I know I am a slave, but I relate to the term property. I am cared for, like his car, but I am used like property. Like a possession. I am here to take out his desires, whether that be dark and brutal and degrading or loving and supportive and caring. I am his little plaything. A free spirit that he tames and watches over. There is a level of devotion in me that is dizzying, because he scooped me up out of nowhere and showed me what made me complete before I even knew it myself. He showed me the answer before I knew the question. I am devoted because he saved me. I knew something was wrong, but I didn't know the answer. He showed me the way, and I've been peaceful since.

Tuesday

I will be joining Master at his house for the entire day on Tuesday. I will serve him, be used by him, and be abused by him until I am left a smiling and happy puddle of slave. This brings me great joy. I have wanted so badly for an opportunity to really serve for a long time. Our schedules don't allow for it. I am sad a lot because we lack the time to go deeper physically in that way. We do emotionally, though, and that makes up for a lot of it.

He has been my rock lately, as I have been adrift in a stormy sea of small problems and upheavals. He offers his help and lends his support effortlessly when I have problems. I am a pretty undemanding slave. I tell him my problems, and I tell him my possible solutions. He guides me, but I never ask him to step in and take care of things for me. I don't object when he insists upon it, but he rarely does that. He likes the fact that I am capable and independent in ways. He takes a lot of pride in the fact that he owns me so completely, yet I don't become dangerously dependent and needy. In reality, I become stronger the longer I am owned. I've said it before, and it's the truth.

I float in bliss when I am with him. Whether I am being beaten with that devil's tongue tawse or the wooden paddle or the cane or simply being softly flogged into purring submission, I am happiest when I am in his hands. He will sometimes hold me gently until I feel like crying from the emotional release of it all. I am allowed to be myself in those moments. I react clearly and honestly. I obey with everything in me. I truly want the same things he does. I sometimes do not know the difference between his wants and my own. I feel as if I've always been this way, but I also know that I have changed. I feel like the things he expects were always latent in me. He has the right blend of caring and dominance to unlock those desires in me. And there I become his little kitten, happy and smiling, face softened, body relaxed, cuffs and collar in place, laying naked next to him after a hard session. I curl into him as if he were the last thing on earth. He is Master of me. He is, outside of my daughter, the only thing that is really real to me. He could crush me if he wanted to, but he doesn't and never will. He is so much of what's inside me that I am frightened by it at times. He keeps the leash loose most of the time, as I'm not unruly, but I always know it's there. He pulls it tight sometimes to show me. you are mine, little one. Never forget that. And I don't.

I know. I am speaking in circles here. I have been unable to really write for the last week. But I am happy. That is what is important.

Lunch Meeting

I should know that "let's meet for a quickie" doesn't mean sex, necessarily. I get there, and he's walking to the room from his car. He had emptied out the trunk to put his bike in for the race on Sunday, so all the toy bags were at his house, still. He throws me down so hard that my teeth bounce together. He pushes into me for a second and then says, "Take your clothes off." I scramble to do so, but not quick enough for him. One boot off, pants halfway down, he flips me over and pulls off his belt. I got belted HARD. Fiercely. Harder than I've ever been belted. He lays over me and growls in my ear, "you're so lucky those bags were at my house. I wanted so bad to tie you to that chair and cane you until you couldn't take it anymore. Then do it again. And again. And again. Pushing you hard. I just feel like beating you today. I don't need another reason." *happyshiver* We proceeded to fuck again and again and again (and one more time) until I had to go back to work. He did hold me for a bit before I left. He held me in a way I've never been held. Where I felt small and protected. His leg pulling me closer and his arms around me. I nuzzled into his chest and felt like crying I was so happy.

I'm so joyful. Beyond anything I know. I'm at peace.

Luck

I really am so incredibly lucky. I feel like the luckiest person on Earth. Every day seems brighter than the last. This is a trend that's been continuing for 7 months (before that time was a breaking in point). I wonder sometimes if it's going to plateau. But life just keep pouring happiness deeper and deeper into me.

I talked with Master for a long time last night, and it was one of the more intense talks we've had. Like a confession to each other. This is why You are perfect for me. It's thoughts like that that make me want you, big time. Not just in a physical way. I want to take all of you. i would do anything for You. Your desires are my desires. You want me to fuck, i yearn to fuck. You want me to serve, i ache to be at Your feet. Yes, I can feel that, little one, it is very strong from you. i love You, Master. i adore You like i have no other. I love my little slave. It's all one. There is no division. Without him, I am not a devoted slave. Without me, he is a king with no country. I logged off, breath shallow with love and lust. I'm right where I need to be. In my place. I spin with joy. My heart feels like it can't grow any larger than it is. I love being his slave. I thirst for his control. I think of the last time we met. I laid parallel to the headboard (pressed against it) on my back. My mind was washed. Empty. All I wanted was to be used. Not frustrated. I wasn't screaming inside, "Tell me what to do!!" It was calm. Please, tell me what You want. Anything. Anything. There are no limits within me. There are Master's limits. It's intoxicating to go past that. I don't want to prove myself, per se. I want to feel his control. I want to feel him wrapping around me and controlling me. Slinking into my mind and do whatever he pleases. Pushing me. Making me feel pain. Slowly. Methodically. Pushing my walls further and further. I sometimes beg him to go beyond that. But he wants it gentle. He slips me into it without me even noticing sometimes. I stay in limbo. Somewhere between awake and asleep. Pliant. Receptive. He pushes me one way, and I move effortlessly. Like I'm in water. He doesn't want me to be afraid. He wants me to trust him and feel loved and cared for. I do. I do. I would do anything.

And now... I'm going to leave work for a mid-afternoon quickie.

Goodness. I have the most amazing life.

Hands

Oh, to be in his hands is the best feeling in the world. Better than anything I know. I was able to meet Master for a few hours this afternoon. We meet once a week, but I hadn't been alone with him for two weeks. He immediately put me back in my place. The first thing he always does is throw me down and take me. Today was no exception. He pushed in with no resistance, and told me that I am his. That he is the only one who can take me like that. It's the truth. Undoubtedly. When I walked in, I saw the cane sitting on the dresser. I haven't even mentioned the cane to him in a long time. It was unexpected to see it. Yes, it excites me, but it does evoke a bit of fear in me. I didn't realize it until I felt my body react. Once he had claimed me again, he flipped me over and laid across my back. I hadn't been warmed up. Nothing. He started lightly, almost bouncing it off my backside. Then it got stronger and stronger. I wasn't restrained, so I was squirming just a little. He ended up leaving bruises on me (unheard of!), and I was near tears. I've never cried during a session. Ever. That cane brings me close. It's long and made of bamboo. Thin. It comes down and threatens to break my skin open. I probably got 15 swats with it. But my mind was spinning in joy and desire. Tell me what to do to. Anything. Use me. And he did. Tied and flogged. Fucked. A very sharp knife being pressed into very sensitive parts. Even though I should be nervous about that, I have ultimate trust in him. I would have been trying to pull back a few months ago, but I just relax. I don't move a muscle. He started biting me at one point. He bit my ass. I fear his teeth more than any instrument of torture he has. Literally. Ouch. Round and round we went. Him standing behind me while I was on my knees, my hair in his hands, turning my head however he wants, looking down at my face. I was surprised to learn that it hurts more to get slapped across the face by someone who is standing behind you. He holds me down, slowly hurting me and whispers in my ear, "I want to feel you in pain. I want to feel it radiating off your body. Because, little one, seeing you in pain turns me on."

I love the ease that I feel with him. I used to be so self-conscious. After all, he's an athlete, and I'm... squishier than he is. He's always perfectly composed. I am emotional and slightly askew at times. He dresses well. I am casual. I used to want to crawl under a rock every time we sessioned. Almost shaking with nervousness, I would be red in the face and shy as a bunny. I have learned that he is slowly working me out of that. He wants me to be comfortable, because my shyness actually stands in the way of my ability to serve him without hesitation. I rarely feel the need to suck in and try to look like a supermodel anymore. I look nice. I make sure to present myself well. He just strips me of my self (consciousness), and puts me back into my true self. This is who you are. you are my slave. you are here to serve me. Leave everything else behind.

He told me to take a day off either next week or the following week. He wants me to stay at his house to be sessioned hard and serve him for the day. The offer makes me feel like I'm starving and he's offering me a drop of honey from his fingertips. We meet awkwardly most times in hotel rooms at a hotel close to my house and work for a few hours. I never get a chance to really serve. That is my desire at all times. I want to work for him. I want to serve him. Cook for him, clean for him, touch him in ways that stir pleasure, happiness and relaxation. Take care of everything that he shouldn't need to do with me around. Of course, we have mentioned having an all day fuckfest. Not that I have a problem with that.

Do we serve because we feel protected, or do we get protection because we serve? That question has been on my mind for quite some time now.

I've never felt secure in vanilla relationships. Talking with Master tonight, I was finally able to verbalize why that is. I was never vulnerable enough in those relationships. I feel that true trust and security can only be shown when you are in a vulnerable state. I never felt secure enough to allow myself to be vulnerable. I couldn't feel safe. Being in this relationship has forced me into positions that make me vulnerable, and Master has shown me time and time again that he can be trusted. Even when he makes mistakes, I trust him to fix the mistake and repair the damage it may have caused.

I have given up my rights. I have given up my limits. But I am happier, healthier and more balanced because of it.

Master?

I had the hardest time with that word initially. I would start letters casually with it, but I couldn't bring myself to say it out loud. It would get caught in my throat. He always told me that it will feel more natural when it's real. That he wasn't going to force me to say it until I really felt it. The seriousness of that word has never evaded me. It took me several months to say it for the first time. When I did, I literally shook. He looked down at me and smiled, fucking me harder. It was intense, because I really meant it. He had mastered me at that point. Whereas I have been threatened with my own name at times, his has never budged. I joke that I should call him variants on Master, but I can never bring myself to do it. He is Master.

He called me the other day, and I told him that I was just about to call him. He jokingly said, "What were you going to call me?" I answered coyly, "Maaaaaaster." We giggled over it, but that word still gets me wet every time it passes my lips. I have called him Sir one time. I was pinned down to the bed one night, and he did something really painful to me. I bucked my hips (where he was straddling me), and I almost knocked him straight off of me! He caught himself, and held me down and hissed in my ear, "Don't you EVER do that to me again. Do you hear me?" He slapped me across the face. Hard. I didn't even have time to calculate a response. All that came out was, "Yes, Sir. i'm sorry. i'm sorry." Needless to say, that's never happened again.

I've had to unlearn some physical responses when it comes to him. The first thing I was taught was to relax. Sounds easy, right? I tense unconsciously. I will feel relaxed, then I suddenly realize that every muscle in my legs are tight. I have to keep relaxing through everything. Relaaaaax. But little things like not ever putting my legs together while laying in bed were hard for me. Things I've done my entire life had to be unlearned. My cheeks (both sets) have gotten little swats for things a few times. I try. That's the important part.

We were talking last night about how we have grown to really learn each other. It's just the beginning, of course. I can predict, to a certain extent, what he needs. I watch his body language carefully. I listen to his voice. I see myself as an extension of him. I do what he asks me to. I do things before he asks, too. I am part of him. The part that does things he doesn't need to think about. Things that make his life easier. He told me last night that I am a "very good little slave. Very attentive." *glow*

I think I figured out a piece of the puzzle about the conundrum I was experiencing about punishment the other day. Yes, I'm still thinking about this. If I were Master, I think part of the fun would be correcting behavior. Not all the time. Just once in a while. I wouldn't like doing it, but I think part of me would enjoy exerting that kind of control. It's why Master likes showing me off. He knows that it's the only thing he does that makes me a little uncomfortable. He's called me "too easy" at times. I crave everything he does to me. But being partially naked in front of people is the only thing that makes me nervous. I do it. I enjoy the mental effect it has on me. I always walk away feeling protected and deeply owned and used. But it makes me twitchy beforehand. He likes that he's forcing me to do something. I associate punishment with that kind of satisfaction on his end. He has control over me, and he can punish me if he needs to. The reality of it is that he doesn't want to feel like he's starting over again all the time. If I weren't getting better at this, he'd leave. That sounds cold, I know. The truth is that he feels like he shouldn't be Master if he can't control me. He can and does. That's it for me on this. I've beat it into the ground. Case closed.

I've been wanting a playmate lately. He's not looking for another slave or anything. He would be the one looking if that were the case. This is more for me. I just want a girl I can be affectionate with and perhaps (hopefully) have a relationship with outside of being sessioned. *sigh* It would be nice.

I've stopped with the breakthrough bleeding. Hurray!

And I got my phone last night. The one I wanted. *grin* I love it. I've been playing with it all day. I should be working, no? Actually, this wasn't supposed to be such a lengthy entry. I'm going to leave it at this.

Adieu!

Grrr

I am not a happy bunny. After taking this pill for 9 days, I've started some breakthrough bleeding. Not much, but just enough to not have sex. What the fuck? Because of untimely sicknesses, I haven't even been able to reap any benefits from putting these hormones in my body. Unless you call gaining a pound or two and a few little pimples benefits. I'm so frustrated.

Luckily, Master is not a rushed person. He's not impatient like I am. He hears about my spotting and says, "We'll go have dinner tonight, then. I still want to see you." He's patient. He always tells me that we are on his time now. That I need not worry about it, and just to let him take the lead for the pacing. He doesn't rush me into anything. Things are so slow that I barely notice a change. I sometimes snap out of it for a second and am amazed I am where I am at. "Wait... I was there.... (silence)... and now I am..... here. How? What?.... When?" Yes, it can be as awkward as it looks. I step back, and I am so happy that it's not full speed ahead. The entire structure has so much control. It's so formed. It's exactly how he wants it.

I am sitting in the shower this morning, shaving my legs and everything, and I start thinking about the whole "natural order" thing. I'm a bit conflicted in this area. I don't feel as if it is all inclusive. I have met too many men who are weaker and less intelligent than I am. Nothing within me could ever think of myself as subservient to them. That isn't to say that I feel they should be that way toward me. I don't. At all. But respect is not a given, it's earned. It's very much like trust. There are a few men that I have felt this way toward. Some in real life. Some online. In total, I have met less than 10 men who I feel that way about in my entire life. I haven't ever met a woman who I've felt that way about. I have met women who are smarter than I am. I have met women who I admire. But I haven't met a woman who I respect so much that I feel subservient toward them. Does that make me sexist? I don't think so. I don't think that women aren't capable of being leaders. I think they can be just as strong. I just couldn't submit to a woman like I can a man. These are conflicting emotions with my beliefs. I am a feminist. I have been a "man hater" in my past. I have written about my feelings concerning this in my shadow posts.

I'm so careful about my wording when it comes to natural order, because I have been on the other side. It makes me twitchy to write about it.

I feel there is a place for both sexes. I've seen this to be historically beneficial for both people involved. I don't think that one role is less or more important than the other. But I do believe that men are mentally and physically built to be protectors, while women are mentally and physically built to be caregivers. I don't feel like every man should protect me. I don't think every man is strong enough to protect me more than I can protect myself. But some, like Master, are strong enough to do so. And I will trip over myself to service those people. It does become a chicken/egg situation, though. Do women service first, or do men protect first. I feel that they are both huge responsibilities, and they should grow in tandem. But that's just me.

In other news, I get my phone tonight. So excited. *grin*

Ok.... E just called and said that the roads are really bad. REALLY bad. So we'll get together another night.

WTF? Are the gods against me? I really wanted to spend some alone time with him. Get sessioned. Be used. Sit at his feet for a while, purring. Happy, happy. But he will want to fuck me if we are alone together, so he always chooses to just go to dinner when I am bleeding. Because of the pill, that is the case. And now the weather is going to prevent me from going out to dinner with him. *cry* Sad bunny. Very sad bunny.

ETA: My yoni doctor called yesterday to say that my girly parts are all healthy! YAY! No more cervical torture!

Uncommon

I was reading that it is uncommon for a slave to have not disobeyed an order. I have said that I haven't been punished on more than one occasion. It's not a badge of honor for me. If anything, I am a little bit jealous and feel left out at times. Like everyone else is in the club, but I haven't been inducted yet. I have plenty of rules and expectations. I just cannot bring myself to break any of them. Even when I'm upset. The thought of it makes me nervous and scared. I have been threatened. "If you had decided to do that, little one, I would have been very upset. I would have no choice but to come down hard on you." I not only confess what I have done, but I also confess what I THOUGHT about doing. I just can't step over that line. There is too much to lose and nothing to gain for me. I get enough attention. I get enough pain. I don't feel the need to push buttons. I stay away from situations where I would be tempted (outside of my occasional lover, who I have to get permission to sleep with). I just know that Master knows me so well that he could positively crush me if he were to punish me. And I want him to be proud of me, more than anything else. I want to be a good slave for him. Those rules are there for a reason. He doesn't give silly orders. All the rules are set up to protect me from any harm (besides the ones for his comfort, which are more routine than rules).

As I said, I do feel left out at times. I don't even know what it's like to be punished. Like I'm some sort of outsider or not truly a slave. But I get the same response every time I say that to Master, "Little one, I don't want to do that to you. you don't want it, either. Just believe me on this one." I trust him on this one.

Naughty

So, I admit it. I love cock. I am completely shameless about it. I love pussy, too. But something about cock drives me into a wild frenzy. Especially his.

So I was tied up the other day. All these painful things being done to me. I'm getting slapped across the face with so much force that it makes me almost see stars. I have knives pushing into my skin. My nipples being twisted beyond comprehension. And I'm smiling blissfully though it. Yes, Master. He's talking into my ear, "Look at you, you little cock loving cunt. you little fucking whore. you don't even deserve it." With that, he starts masturbating over me. Once in a while I feel his cock against my leg or my stomach. That was it. I lost all composure. I almost start to cry over being denied the opportunity to please him. My face was twisted up. I was whimpering loud. I couldn't even talk. He was both shocked and amused by my reaction. He looks down at me and stops for a minute. "you're not whimpering because of this knife digging into you, are you? you little slut. you're whimpering for my cock." All I can do is shake my head yes and become a little quieter. Mmm. Delicious.

It's not my pleasure I am addicted to. I have had (hold onto your seats) TWO orgasms with him in the past year. 5/15/07 and 11/29/07. It's not that I can't. It's really that I don't even think about trying to have one with him around. I don't ask. The two I have had were only because he wanted me to. He wanted to watch me (I have massively intense orgasms). He has given me standing permission to go home and masturbate after we are together. I almost always do and have 3-4 orgasms. He loves to tease me about it.

"Did you go home and lock yourself into the bathroom?"

"mmmmhm. *purr*"

"*laugh* slut."

I am just so excited by his pleasure. I am sopping wet by the time he sends me home. I can't help it. I have an intense physical reaction to him. Yes, he's almost 30 years older than me, but he turns me on like no one ever has. I adore pleasing him. He tells me all the time that it shows. That the way I go at his cock is so wanton and lustful that he has a hard time deciding whether he wants my mouth or my pussy at times. The sexual tension is just an extension of my gratitude and devotion and love for him. No question there. I get excited because I adore him. But, DAMN, I certainly do love it.

Lucky Girl

Master worries about me a lot when I am out in the snow driving. I have never had a cell phone. I didn't really intend on getting one, honestly. I like being unreachable when I'm doing things. If someone wants to get in touch with me, I have voice mail at home and at work. But that is just not acceptable with him. He gets nervous when I am out. He likes being able to reach me whenever he wants. So he wants to get a cell phone for me. He knows I have people to take care of, so he will also be paying the bill for it. I insisted that I will pay for the phone itself, so I picked out this baby:

*swooooon*

It's so pretty that I want to fuck it.

He does take care of me in so many ways. Emotionally, he always does, of course. But he does make sure I am taken care of in other ways. Like making sure my car is working right and things like the cell phone. He is very wealthy, and I am not. I HATE taking anything from him, but he insists upon some things. We have talked a lot about this. He feels that it's his responsibility to make sure I am taken care of. Most of the time this mean physically and emotionally, but it also means things like getting new tires for my car when I can't afford them and I need it. He won't go and buy "courting" gifts for me (though he has gotten one gift for me, my Nikon D40), but things that involve my safety are of great importance to him. It is not up for discussion who pays when we are together. He knows that I am there for him. That I am his property. He would be insulted if I went to pick up the bill. I am, however, expected to walk up to the cashier and hand over the money for our meals.

He does open doors for me, and he always treats me like a lady wherever we go. I get yelled at when I open my own door, car or otherwise. It's a matter of pride for him. But I am always his pet. His most prized possession, as he said the other day.

He has fucked up in the last year at times. He's not infallible. It doesn't matter, though. It's not that he is positively perfect at all times. It's the way he handles it that makes all the difference. When he has done something wrong, he admits it and owns it. He doesn't try to pass blame. He doesn't blow it off as not a big deal. He doesn't hold the belief that he is always right because he is Master. He says that he did make the wrong choice, he apologizes for it, and we move forward with a stronger knowledge of where the relationship's boundaries are. The way he handles it is not weak. It is, in so many ways, the strongest state I've ever seen him in. I bubble over with admiration when I see him like that. Most importantly, I am able to truly forgive in those moments. I let it go. I don't feel the need to "punish" by acting out and getting angry. His reaction calms me. He is a truly strong man.

He is Home to me.